Saturday, December 17, 2005

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY?

I was really looking forward to my blog post for December - the time of year for wishes of peace on earth, good will toward all. But this year it appears political correctness has become the new Scrooge.

My Fa-la-la-la-la is fading fast.

Poor Santa is even under heavy PC attack!

With Santa's permission, I'm forwarding the correspondence Santa received from the new PC Holiday Coordinator - and Santa's (ahem) reply:

************
TO: Santa@northpole.net
FROM: Holiday_Coordinator@PC.com

PLEASE BE ADVISED OF THE NEW PC HOLIDAY GUIDELINES:

1. Yelling out "Ho, Ho, Ho" in today's society could possibly offend someone's sister, girlfriend, wife, or mother.  Please use "Hee, Hee, Hee" in the future.

2. Rudolph with his nose so bright red has PETA concerned reindeer abuse may be rampant at the North Pole.  Expect a visit from the Humane Society.

3. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night" is NOT PC!  "All" do not celebrate "Christmas" and hopeless insomniacs never have a good night and are offended by people who do.  Just leave the gifts and go - QUIETLY.

4. Thin people are offended by your weight.  And not-so-thin people hold you responsible for that offensive "fat and jolly" connotation.  Consult your physician about a proper diet - and stop being so dang jolly until you reach your goal weight!

5. All "Christmas" references have been deemed politically INcorrect and holiday songs have been modified accordingly as follows:  "I'm Dreaming of a White Whatever" - "O Whatchacallit Tree" - "We Wish You A Merry Who Cares" - and thanks to a fabulous suggestion from pop music idol Prince/TheArtist we now have  "The Twelve Days of the Holiday formerly known as Christmas."

6. PLEASE NOTE: Santa's Workshop will be closed down immediately by the EEOC unless equal opportunities are made available to non-elf, non-pointy ears, non-pointy shoe wearing employees.

7. Naughty or Nice has been declared irrelevant by the Civil Liberties Union - gift discrimination will not be tolerated!

8. Got milk?  Pour it out and choke down those cookies the best you can.  Vegans are threatening a protest - and CNN plans to broadcast the demonstration LIVE.

9. Your traditional red velvet suit is a "fashion fatality" according to Queer Eye for the Straight Icon.  And body hair is out - the beard has to go!  Carson Kressley will be contacting you for a complete makeover.

10. Donald Trump will expect you in his board room on December 26th to evaluate your implementation of the new PC holiday guidelines.  A WORD OF CAUTION: Just because you're Santa doesn't mean you'll be exempt from those fatal words "You're Fired!"

Sincerely,
PC Holiday Coordinator

************
TO: Holiday_Coordinator@PC.com
FROM: Santa@northpole.net

Are you elfing kidding me?

In the interest of being politically correct, I'll refrain from telling you what you can do with this job!

Ever so Sincerely,
Santa


Despite my own fading Fa-la-la, I truly do wish all of you a Happy/Merry (insert your own preference here).

But wouldn't it be wonderful if being politically correct meant respecting ALL holidays, traditions, and beliefs without taking personal offense to those that don't match your own?

Candy Halliday

1 comment:

Michelle Rowen said...

Hilarious entry, Candy. As usual! ;-)