Monday, January 09, 2006

What it's like

Since my first book, BITTEN & SMITTEN, hit the shelves at the beginning of this month, I can tell you that all of the things you've heard about being a "published author" are completely true.

In fact, just yesterday I was lounging outside my mansion by the pool reading through my stack of fan mail. My man-servant/masseuse Sven approached with my Pina Colada.

"Sven darling," I said.

"Yes, my goddess."

I frowned. "Sven, I've told you before. You don't have to call me your goddess. Your queen is perfectly sufficient."

"Yes, my queen."

"Would you be a dear and pick out a nice outfit for me to wear to my lunch with the movie producers? Perhaps that new dress Donatella sent over yesterday."

"Excellent, my queen. So your book is to be a movie?"

"They're only offering low seven figures for the movie rights. We shall see. Oh yes, we shall see." I frowned. "Oh, and please let Hugh Jackman know that he should definitely not leave his wife for me. Tell him to stop phoning hourly. I simply cannot take it anymore. I will not cheat on Gerard this week."

"Yes, I will do that." Sven paused. "Are you quite alright? You do not look as happy as you should be, my queen."

"Oh Sven, you know me so well. It's just that now that I'm a Published Author life is simply much too easy and gloriously wonderful. Everything I write now is perfect. I am filled with boundless confidence about my writing abilities. I am universally adored by all who read my deathless prose. I have a difficult time spending all my money let alone counting it. Also, upon publication I became completely irresistable to the opposite sex. What am I to do? I have achieved all of my goals in life. There are no more challenges left in this world for me to take on."

"So, my queen, you are saying that being a published author is everything you thought it would be?"

"And more!"

Sven smiled and began to peel off his tight t-shirt revealing rippling muscles beneath. "Then I think it's time for my queen to receive her daily massage. Roll over."

And, alas, then I woke up to reality.

5 comments:

Karmela Johnson said...

Whoa, that is uncanny! I had the EXACT same dream! Except for my manservant/masseuse was named Luciano who had a striking resemblance to Ricky Martin.

bonnie said...

I was wondering where Sven had gotten to. Please send him over when you're done with him queenie.

Alphabeter said...

You had that dork Hugh calling? Poor thing! I can't admit George Clooney started calling after my short story publication--I'm afraid of Miss Snark.

Stephanie Rowe said...

OMG you are too funny, Michelle! This is brilliant! ROFLMAO!

MaryF said...

BWAHAHAHA!!!!