Friday, March 31, 2006

THE BARE MALE CHEST MOVIE RATING SYSTEM--or Elizabeth uses a flimsy excuse to post pics of nearly nekkid men

There was a time in my life when almost all the movies I went to were Serious. Movies so intellectual, they weren’t even in English. Movies so deep, all the characters died at the end. Movies so profound that, even after several beers, no one knew what they meant.

No longer.

It occurred to me, finally, that there was more to a fine movie viewing experience than subtitles, death, and confusion. For instance, there were male chests, preferably, bare. Therefore, I invented the Bare Male Chest (BMC) movie rating system, which, although I am too lazy to research the matter, I am fairly sure is unique in the movie reviewing world. The key thing to remember when using the BMC is that we are judging the movie by the quantity and quality of bare male chests ALONE. Thus, although any one of the LORD OF THE RINGS movies was chock full of male beauty, sadly none—and this is where having a male director can be problematic—had any bare chests. As a result, LOTR ranks a -7 on the BMC scale, extra points having been deducted out of sheer disappointment.

Contrast this with THE FANTASTIC FOUR, which was NOT one of the most well-written movies of 2005, but which redeemed itself—at least in the BMC—by the almost exuberant display of Chris Evans’ bare chest. It seems that when The Human Torch, masterfully played by Mr. Evans, ‘flames on,’ his clothes are burned off, leaving him naked. Personally, this led me to ponder, why, if Mr. Evans’ clothes were burned off, his chest hair didn’t go up in smoke as well, but I digress. On the BMC, THE FANTASTIC FOUR rates a solid 8.

Recently, I watched THE TRANSPORTER, which, I think, can be best described as a Hong Kong martial arts movie that takes place in France and stars an Englishman, Jason Statham. And, boy, does Jason star in it. It seems that when approached by a dozen or more bad guys, the first thing your English martial arts star must do is shuck his shirt. Naturally, I was in favor of this mode of self-defense and, in fact, was all set to award THE TRANSPORTER a 7—that is until the Oiled Fighting Scene. Oh. My. God. Men covered in motor oil—don’t ask—sliding around as they fight each other bare-chested. The homoerotic undertones were obvious, even to me. Fortunately, I was watching the movie on DVD and thus was able to stop the disc and re-watch the scene, the better to award it a 9 on the BMC.

And then there is Hugh Jackman. Sigh. Hugh deserves his own special room in the BMC Hall of Fame for his selfless willingness to take off his shirt on the smallest pretense imaginable. Case in point: SWORDFISH, a movie that, by any other criteria is pure dreck, but which contains the infamous Hugh Playing Golf in Only a Towel scene. He also happens to be on top of a trailer whilst playing golf in only a towel, but I must say that few women noticed this in the theater. They were too busy mentally willing that towel to drop. Ladies, I give you SWORDFISH, a perfect 10 in the BMC.


Edie said...

LOLOL. Elizabeth, how could it be that you're the first to think up this ratings system? Obviously, you're a genius!

Michelle Rowen said...

Great post, Elizabeth! Talk about starting your WW blogging days with a bang. (or rather, three potential bangs - heh).

And any movie Hugh-baby is in is a 10 for me. Well, not Van Helsing because that was just horrible, but I LOVE HUGH!

Elizabeth Hoyt said...

Yes, Edie, I AM a genius . . . now if only my family believed that.

Oh, man, VAN HELSING was the victim of really bad special effects (oh, and a script that appeared to have been written in an opium dream), but it somewhat redeemed itself BMC-wise toward the end when


Hughie turned into a werewolf, losing his shirt and shredding his trousers in the process, but retaining that vital bit of clothing over his pelvis, a la the Hulk.

Why is it that men transforming into monsters always shred every piece of their clothing, INCLUDING THEIR SHOES, but always have enough pants material left over to cover the naughty bits? A cosmic question to ponder . . .

Paula Quinn said...

Why is it that men transforming into monsters always shred every piece of their clothing, INCLUDING THEIR SHOES, but always have enough pants material left over to cover the naughty bits? A cosmic question to ponder . .


btw, you're a funny genius too.

Charlotte said...

Hey, I found your blog looking for bare-chested pics of Jason Statham to prove to a friend that he really does have a torso that prettier than his face. And OMG, I was totally willing the little yellow towel to drop off, too! I LOVE, nay, LUST Hugh Jackman!

I must say, apart from the wicked sense of humor, you do have great taste in BMC :)


Suzanne said...

Found your blog looking (also) for pics of Jason Statham. Hilarious post! Good stuff. It is hard to believe that there has never before been such a rating system... outside of my head, anyway.

(ps- I'm linking this post to the one I'm writing today on Leading Men Crushes.)

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Vin Honra said...


Just passed this by Googling Jason Statham pics.

Good rating system :p

And for the nerdy comic geek in me, I got the answer to the chest hair not burning off:

Seeing it's a part of him and his DNA, wich got altered at the spacestation event, it is also a part of his body that turns into fire, and therefore do NOT burn off.

Boom boom, there you go :p