Thursday, March 23, 2006

Diets I Have Known, by Megan Crane

Nothing like the threat of spring to bring out the bikini panic in all of us.

(And when I say "bikini panic," what I mean is, "the fact that crazy people with far better bodies might be wearing bikinis, which will make me feel inadequate about the fit of my jeans.")

I have been looking for the magic weight loss pill since I entered the sixth grade and discovered that my tomboy skills-- which had previously accorded me some playground clout-- were useless against the sudden tossing of hair and the waifish pre-teen bodies. I am here to tell you that no magic pill exists.

And also that if you try this many diets, you are probably either insane or a normal North American female bombarded with too many mixed cultural messages. (Obviously, I choose to believe I am the latter.)

I present "Diets I Have Known (So You Don't Have To)":

The Diet Center
The On My Own For The First Time So I Will Definitely Be Having That Second Cheeseburger And Sundae At The Campus Dining Hall Diet
The Grunge Rock, If I Wear Huge Flannel Shirts No One Will See My Belly Diet
The Weeping Over A Broken Heart While Wearing Head-to-Toe Black And Channelling Tori Amos Circa 1993 Diet
Jenny Craig
The "Drink Like An Englishman" Diet
The Atkins Diet
The Diet In Theory Only: If You Visualize Your Thin Self, So Will Everyone Else
Weight Watchers: The British Version
The Vacation Calories Don't Count Diet
The Zone Diet
The Marilyn Monroe Was At Least A Size 12 Which Means I Am H-O-T Diet
The Cabbage Soup Diet
The I Can Eat Whatever I Want Because I Run Several Miles A Day Diet
The I'm Starting My Running Regime Tomorrow So I Can Totally Carbo-load Tonight Diet
The South Beach Diet
The "Organic Is So Much Better For You, So I'll Just Have Extra Helpings Of This Organic Lasagna And Tasty Organic Brownies" Diet
The Blood Type Diet
The Ice Cream Is Like Milk Which Does A Body Good Diet
Weight Watchers: The American Flex Point Version
The Oh My God I Feel So Sick I Hope I Lose Ten Pounds Diet
Body For Life (The I Read My Friend's Book And Totally Plan To Start Next Week Version)
The If I Have A Salad I'm Dieting So Who Cares If It's Awash In Rich, Creamy Dressing? Diet
The Sly Moves Exercise And Diet Plan
And the ever popular, I Am Listening To My Body And It Will Tell Me What It Needs Just Like Back In The Days Of Yore When We Were All Hunter-Gatherers (And What My Body Needs Is A Large Pepperoni Pizza With Vast Quantities of Chocolate, Hooray!) Diet

I feel confident that this time, I have it under control. What about you?


Michelle said...

ROTFLMAO <-- an internet acronym I've never actually used before, and probably won't again, but in this case it totally applies.

Megan you are totally my hero. I believe I've been on all of those diets, and may have even invented a few more, such as:

This book is hard to write but when I eat cheetos and drink regular gingerale the words flow easier diet

The I'm just going to love myself just the way I am oh who am i kidding I'm joining a new expensive weight loss clinic tomorrow diet

The Nationals are four months away I will stop eating immediately after I finish this McChicken combo diet

And these are just off the top of my head.

Luckily I can cover up for six + months of the year here in the great white north with coats and sweaters. I think I'd break out in hives if I lived in Cali.

Megan Crane said...

My current diet involves convincing myself that Googling counts as exercise.

Who's with me??

Candy Halliday said...

LOL, Megan!

I recognized every one of those diets.

But at my age (ahem) I'm afraid if I do get serious and lose weight now I'll end up looking like a Shar-Pei puppy!

Hummm - I think I'll pass on wrinkles from head to toe and just be satisfied being fat and fluffy in my golden years. :)


Paula Quinn said...

I LOVE the McChicken combo diet!
Personally, I think we are all a bunch of hot women. We write romance novels! We look sexy double dipping our chocolate chip cookies in our pajamas!

Paula Quinn said...

Wow, that totally came out wrong. Let me re-phrase:
We look sexy double dipping our chocolate chip cookies while in our pajamas. Ya know what? I liked it better the first way.

Elizabeth Hoyt said...

I like it better the first way, too, Ms. Paula . . . which doesn't mean I won't be joining Ms. Michelle in the nationals-is-four-months-away-I-really-should-start-dieting-diet.

Ooo! I just noticed the pretty new covers to the right! I particularly like Kathryn's LOVE IS IN THE HEIR, but I may be biased because it's an historical.