Thursday, February 01, 2007

Elizabeth Has a Small Mental Breakdown But in the End Jack Saves the Day

I have shrews in my kitchen. Wait. Let me re-phrase that.

I HAVE SHREWS IN MY KITCHEN!

I thought it was kinda cute when my youngest said there was a black mouse running around the kitchen. "Huh," I thought. "Who knew that mice came in different colors?"

Turns out they don't.

Shrews are small, nocturnal rodents with no ears and tiny, tiny eyes, and apparently, they eat insects and worms and "baby mice" (all together now, EWWWWWW!) Their saliva is poisonous and they're supposed to live OUTSIDE. My Peterson's Field Guide to Mammals makes no mention of shrews living in houses, but evidently the shrews haven't read my field guide.

The whole shrews-in-the-kitchen thing kinda sent me over the edge. I mean, what with icky revisions on my work in progress, another book that I had to start then stop in order to do the icky revisions (I hate that,) dogs eating butter off the kitchen counter (don't ask), teenagers having dramatic screaming fits, and general chaos all around, it was all just too much.

Which is why I've decided to contemplate Jack. Please. You can join me. Let's all contemplate Jack. His steady blue eyes, his golden stubble because he's been up for 24 hours, his slightly rumpled hair because he has no time for combs...



There. I feel better already, don't you? I mean Jack puts it all into perspective, doesn't he? I have to deal with shrews in the kitchen. Jack has to deal with nuclear bombs. My life could be worse.

And y'know, I bet Jack is the kind of man who could take care of those shrews. He'd come into my kitchen all rumpled and slightly weary (been up 24 hours) and wearing a Kevlar vest (that Kevlar vest is sooooo sexy!) and he'd look at me sternly and say in his deepy growly voice, "Stand aside, ma'am. I'm a federal agent," and he'd take out his big (BIG) black gun and...

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

No more shrews.

Thanks, Jack.

Cheers!
Elizabeth
www.elizabethhoyt.com

PS: Tell me how you'd like Jack to save your day and I'll send one lucky poster an autographed copy of THE RAVEN PRINCE. Just because I care.

21 comments:

alissa said...

Thanks so much for mentioning Jack. I have been a complete fan of "24" since it began years ago. Love it to bits and never tire of the unique antics, the characters etc. Jack can definitely save my day anytime especially when my furnace decides to give up in the middle of winter. His know how and inventiveness will go a long way.

ellie said...

Jack Bauer can come to my rescue since he is my hero. When all the toilets are clogged and they are backing up into the tubs. Sounds pretty awful but I am sure that Jack can handle that small job. If he can save the world he can do an insignificant but necessary chore in the house.

pearl said...

When I think of a mission for Jack nothing is too difficult for his ingenuity and capability. His little bag of tricks can perform miracles. When the dishwasher has s small problem with continuous leakage and nothing can stem the flow, perhaps Jack's skillfulness can contain this flow.

joelle said...

Jack's proficiency at clearing up problems, large and small is a gift. I could use that excellent competence right now. An intermittent quirk that is annoying but would be a cinch for Jack to accomplish. Please send him my way to cure this ill which has affected my home. The roof is leaking from the continuous snow.

sharon said...

When my thermostat has gone haywire and the garage doesn't function like it should, Jack needs a house visit. His dexterity and aptitude can conquer any nasty and insurmountable task and cheer me up for the rest of the year. His solemn countenance does my heart good.

Judy T said...

ROFL! My troubles are so tame, so simply send him as a distraction when I can't find the medication/disease/part of the anatomy the doctor has just mumbled because he is in a hurry to get through the dictation. I can usually figure it out, after a little visual distraction... yep, Jack is good at that.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, well, he can vacuum here and change my Kitty's litter box for me when it's needed. Oh, and kill those darn yucky, horribly loooong bugs that like showing up inside once in a while. . . (couple days ago I noticed one, and it's not summer. Eww, those dang hundred leggers I swear are thousand leggers anymore).

Anyway, before I get sick here. . . LOL (my fear is bugs after all), and he can tuck me in and read to me too. :)

Lois

Anonymous said...

My life would run so smoothly if Jack could be available on a regular basis. His technique and skill is unmatched. Not only does he excel at solving problems of the heart and soul but he could lend me a hand when I am trying to come to grips with maintenance and lawn work. I would love his interference in my life.

Aisling said...

Oh please Jack, save me from dinner with my mother-in-law this Friday, please, please, PLEASE!!!!!

Aisling said...

Oh please Jack, save me from dinner with my mother-in-law this Friday, please, please, PLEASE!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Jack, I need your strength and work ethic. Please shampoo all the carpets throughout the house, since they look like a herd has been here. Then onto the bathrooms for a thorough cleanup and finally a grat job for someone so resourceful. My sunroom needs a complete renovation since the winter has wreaked havoc. Then we need to talk.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jack, please come rescue me from the hell that is working for a living. Find me a wealthy gorgeous husband(Kiefer Sutherland might be available) and make all my dreams come true!

Mary J said...

I need Jack to save me from the absurdly high pile of ironing I have to do. Yuck!

MD said...

I would love if Jack saved my day by getting me to work on time. Then I wouldn't get in trouble with the boss as much and I'd be able to drive really fast!

Elizabeth Hoyt said...

Obviously Jack is a multi-talented guy. It seems we all need Jack in our lives, but only one poster can win an autographed copy of my fantabulous book, THE RAVEN PRINCE. So, by using the scientific method of closing my eyes and pointing at the screen I pick......AISLING! Aisling, send me an e-mail via my website with your snail mail and I'll put the book in the mail. Probably won't arrive by Friday, but it might be a nice pick-me-up after that dinner with your MIL.

KimW said...

I need Jack to come and carry me out of the 4 x 4 cell that I work in all day. lol

Anonymous said...

Baha, hooray! Jack saves the day again! So I think he'd save the day at my house by busting in the door looking for some kind of terrorist or something and instead finding my husband lounging on the couch in his underwear. He rolls his eyes and somehow produces a pair of pants and throws them at my husband, then proceeds to check my house for terrorists before rasp-whispering, "All clear here. Have a nice evening ma'am."

CrystalG said...

Because I am ill and at work, I need Jack to teach the professor's classes that I am proctoring. I am sure he would do a great job.

Jennifer Y. said...

Hmmm...Jack could save my day by rubbing my shoulders and back...I have an awful headache and feel achy all over.

Jeanette J said...

I would love Jack to come and get rid of the spiders in my bathroom. They are huge...gigantic...well okay they're about 1/8 of an inch long...but boy are they ugly.

Kathleen said...

I can't decide what I should start Jack off doing....so, just send him my way and I'll figure it out by the time he gets here! :) :) LOL LOL